I know what i am attempting is not easy. if it was, everyone would be doing it.
I know these things take time. I know that a reasonable amount of failure is expected.
I have lost hope of success. i do not see a brighter future, only more striving and failure. I cannot look at any aspect of my life, with the exception of my son, and think “this is alright. i’m doin’ OK, and things are improving.” Personal, professional, marital, nanotechnological, all of it. there is not one single example i can name in any aspect of my life without thinking “this needs fixing”, or worse, “what the fuck am i supposed to do now?”
Depression is insidious. the lack of hope, the inability to forsee a positive outcome, regardless of conditions.
there are those that have a harder time, more adversity, or a worse chance at survival, than any i have experienced. i know i’m fairly well off in many ways. I just wish i cared. all i can think is that when i try again, if i cannot grasp success, if i fail again, i’ll kill myself. i don’t know how. maybe a gun, maybe by bleeding out in the tub, maybe by poison. i am at the breaking point now, and though i have an excellent support environment, i can’t get away from the pressure of my own expectations, and my goals were created for an Übermensch, not me. try as i might, i’m only human. but lately, I’ve been feeling like i’m a one dimensional caricature, a being others keep around as it’s handy to have a genius and giant on hand, like the dancing bears.
and the work itself is too much. when i was younger, i was stuck on the idea of Fair, which i thought i had outgrown. i expected fairness in any endeavor i was involved with. now, i just don’t want to be handicapped out of the race.
the Ego and the Reality are fighting, and Ego is losing. i’m not great, i may not even be good. all i need at this point is survival, and i only need that on a mental plane. emotionally, i’m just depressed. and i can’t seem to find my way out.